You won't remember a thing
By Davin Arul
Total Recall
Rating(out of 5): * *
(Buena Vista Columbia Tristar)

Starring: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, Bill Nighy, Bokeem Woodbine, John Cho

Studios with too much money to burn should try spending some of it on original screenplays instead of blowing it all on pointless remakes.

Harsh as this may sound, Total Recall 2012 sure fits the bill – it is a do-over that seems to be desperately searching for meaning to its existence.

The original Total Recall was big, loud, overblown and rather ludicrous in numerous places, yet it holds a special place in many a fan's heart.

The violence, the humour, those kooky mutants, the immortal one-liners, the sheer non-political-correctness of it all … yes, Paul Verhoeven sure knew how to put an edge in his work.

The new version pretty much follows the same path, story-wise. In a bleak near-future Earth, blue-collar worker Douglas Quaid (Farrell) is having strange dreams that lead him to discover that the life he's been living is one big lie.

Years of memories may be no more than a few weeks old, manufactured and put in his head – but by whom, and for what purpose?

'Why did I order a Blade Runner fantasy from Rekall? ... damn place looks just like my hometown.'

He'd ask his wife Lori (Beckinsale), but she's too busy trying to kill him. And so, Total Recall 2012 plays out very much like the original did, only without Mars. And therefore, no opportunity for a line like "Get yoah ahz to Mahz" to be delivered Arnie-style.

Instead, the ongoing struggle between societies is played out between the wealthy United Federation of Britain and its subject state, the Colony (Australia, how … witty) – the only two habitable regions left on the planet.

Divided not only by status and distance but by production design (UFB looks like New York from The Fifth Element, the Colony like Los Angeles from Blade Runner), the territories are linked by a gravity elevator known as The Fall. This is probably the single coolest concept in the entire film, though it must be noted that the theory behind it actually dates back more than three hundred years.

The real problem with Total Recall is really just a little over a couple of decades old, and that's a far more entertaining and memorable predecessor.

'This is for my Beyonce fantasy, just to make darn sure that she can see my halo.'
This "update" has some slickly executed action scenes and that helps keep the excitement level up for the first half.

But it lacks well fleshed-out characters or any kind of memorable moment that doesn't involve CGI, and it doesn't even try to close on an appropriate "What if this is still a dream?" note.

As a result, you will be hard pressed to remember it even in parts, let alone wholesale, within a couple of hours of leaving the theatre.

If the blandness and soullessness of this remake tell us anything, it's that the art of cinematic storytelling appears to have devolved at the same rapid rate at which special effects have evolved.

Now that's a reality check that no trip to Rekall can gloss over ….